Depression is a bitch

So it's been a while since I posted here 

Ive been going through a lot and it hasn't been fun.. 

Someone once told me that healing isn't linear and I've been trying to remind myself of that

but it hasn't been easy. Every now and then, I catch myself trying to escape from the real world. 

I hate that I am like this but at the same time, I'm glad I'm aware of it now. 

When I feel myself fading, I gently pull myself back to reality.

general loneliness

It's something i'm not use to. Most of my life i've been with someone but now i'm alone and it feels weird. Not in a bad way... it's just something i need to get use to. A part of me likes it. i guess it's just part of growing up and learning that it is okay to be alone in parts of life. It is normal...

So much has changed these past few months. i've grown so much but i know there's so much more i need to learn... experience... see...

I am alone now and that is ok.

I have spent most of my life with people who tell me I can't so another 1 doesn't matter anymore.

If I had not listened to myself. I wouldn't be here

Has the system failed us or should we just lower our expectations

I've seen people who request for help but the people around them have no idea how (or maybe just don't want to share).

Is it just luck? some people just have the fortune of meeting others that have information to help them.

Or is it the people who are supposed to be equipped with the information - actually dont have it and all they say is, "i have done my best" and ignore the person's pleas for help.

Is it okay to always use the, "i have done my best card" and move on?

So many questions

Accepting that i am a cunt

I am crass, childish and sometimes offend people especially when they dont understand what I'm actually trying to say.

I am not a toy nor am I stupid and I know realise I feel angry for falling for your 'sincerity'. I feel like a fool who got played and I hate being treated like a stupid person.

I hate that you made me feel like your words could be trusted and I hate that you made me feel like I was a bad person. I hate how you are 2 sided and I hate how you act like you're helping me but honestly you were always just helping yourself. I hate how you always act meek but in fact you're twisting the grapevine underneath the surface.
I hate that people are like this especially when i assumed that people here would be nice.

The fact is that no where is nice and I should just focus on myself, my art and my family.

You don't care about me. You don't care about the friendship. You only care about yourself and how people perceive you.

I dont understand how people can just let go and forget. When we do that, we allow ppl like you to go away free without repurcussions but now I understand that holding people accountable for their actions is doing them a favour and helping them to grow.

So im going to true to myself now. I give a fuck about what others think of me but i will never let it get in the way of my art. For a brief moment, i felt like a bad friend but i would like to stop trying and just be myself.

I am mean, rash and rude.. That's okay with me.

Not going to apologise

Not going to apologise or bother to explain things anymore.
I'm sick and tired of opening up only for people to take advantage of me or bulldoze over my boundaries.

Hi there

I would like to be my own person please